Suffocation

It burns me, pinches my insides and ties knots with my intestines

I feel the tightening in my throat

I clench my hands to the side of the chair and my entire body starts to swell

I stop myself from breathing to help block it out, to stop my heart from rupturing in the event of another movement

I can’t fathom the reality, I try to cancel it out: this must just be a figment of my imagination

My heart begins to pump faster, I take apart the skin on my thighs

The veins on my neck swell, my blood is gushing, I am overwhelmed, overpowered, unheard

It’s the most sensible thing to do, they say

I have to go, his blood runs in my veins

She needs a vacation, an escape from her own reality

I might regret it later, our time here is not infinite

They ask me to do it for her, for him, for them

But my absolute self-destruction is swept under the rug

If it is so right, why does it feel so wrong?

Going Around in Circles

I still search for you among the crowd

Every place I go to has your traces

My mind creates images of your silhouette as it would’ve been if I got there earlier

You’re always a few steps ahead, out of my reach

Or maybe behind? Conveniently, where I can’t see you

It’s an endless, useless circle

I’m tired of the flashbacks, the pangs that throw me back to the times I try not to think of

You’ll always be my tipping point, the emblem of my transitions

I catch glimpses of you in others

The heat radiates through my body, needles pierce my diaphragm

It’s always a close match, but it’s never right, it’s never you