Deaf and Blind

قالوا تحبه قلت لا ميت فيه… احبه اكثر من حدود المحبه

They said, do you love him? I said, “No, I ‘die in him'”. I love him more than the limits of love

When I first laid eyes on you, a seed was planted in my heart. It sprouted and grew as my love for you evolved, as you slowly took over me. Eventually, I loved you beyond love itself. You held me against you in our bed and whispered proclamations of your love for me and I knew that the same seed sprouted inside you too. Safety is your name. Peace is your embrace. Nowhere else mattered, the rest of the world remained still, it was just us. Our own little island, a world of you and me. I am your flower, your softness. Why did you risk my petals falling?

أحب الارض لي تمشي عليها وأحبك حتى اكثر من حياتِي

I love the earth on which you walk and I love you even more than my life

Every piece of you is dear to me, I love to see your leaves outstretched. Everything you touch and every place you visit is lucky to have witnessed you. Knowing that makes the pain all the less bearable. I trusted you, deaf and blind. You—my eyes, my ears, my hands. You could’ve completely embodied me and I would let you. And I recognize you without the need for eyes or ears or hands. I feel your presence in my soul without the need for the shell that is my body. I spilled over into you and you spilled into me, watering each other. Why did you risk me wilting?

الله يصونه لي ويحفظه يا رب هذا دعاي في صلاتي وصلاتك

God preserve him for me and protect him, Oh God. This is my prayer in my prayers and your prayers

Everyday I choose you. And know that in another life, deaf and blind, I would choose you again.

Stolen Sea

I didn’t need eyes to see it before me, nor ears to hear the waves come and go

I didn’t need hands to sink in the sand, nor feet to dip in the water

I didn’t need to exist to know I am at the sea

I could sense the salty breeze, it lived within me

But you shattered my compass, you robbed me off my lighthouse

I get painful flashes of you stomping on my grounds

I block them out but you push your way through to me, poisoning me

You may have been before me, but it was mine before your time

It meant nothing to you, but you stole it from me

The sea was once my safe haven, but you stole it from me

Rebirth

IMG_1257Seeds planted in my puffy eyelids, flowers sprouting, watered by the tears from my ducts.

My cracked lips form hills from the constant breathing through my mouth, the wind from the north.

The tips of my fingers forming stems, budging to the power of the storms, crippling and curling.

My spine, a tree trunk thick with age, slowly chiseled and chopped into shape, revealing the times that brought me to be me.

Tampered and torn, suffocated and resuscitated, chewed up by the tornado and spit out of the top, a phoenix ready for rebirth.

Every Little Thing

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I step out of the car, my toes sinking in the cool sand.

The breeze is on my skin, and the dunes are forming waves before me.

You come from behind and envelope me, you warm me, and you lift me up.

I look out into the distance, seeing nothing but the sand, miles ahead in a world of you and me.

I look into your eyes reflecting the moon, it’s more enticing than looking at it up in the sky.

The crackle of the fire you started in the background and the flames bouncing off your face make the vastness feel so small, so familiar.

No one else exists, no one else matters, time is flying but it’s at a complete standstill.

I curl my fingers with yours, they fill every crevice like they were made just for me, the invisible string between us tying into a knot.

Every little thing makes me feel more whole. I didn’t know I was searching or what I was looking for, but now it all makes sense.

A War in My Core

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The weight of the world and the strength of the world both crashing against my shoulders, a war waged in my core

The pangs of pain that crack my spine and the healing that helps me piece myself together, forcing the shattered pieces in and out of place even if not accurately.

Every new blow makes the existing cracks smaller, transforming my vitals into powder. The strength almost can’t catch up with the waves of excruciation, and I don’t know how much more is left in me that would help me rebuild.

Rebuilding creates new forms of me because I’m never really the same. The shattered pieces leave cautious reminders of pain that pulsate stronger or weaker depending on their mood, completely throwing me off guard and hooking me onto the lies of the pain’s suppression.

The cracks allow the water to sink my ship deeper, and I find myself looking up at the sun through the blur of the water, unable to break the surface tension.

Resettling Roots

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I’ve set my roots and let them grow deep into the core of the earth

My flowers bloom and turn to face the sun

My leaves outstretch from the stems that grow firmly from beneath

I sway with the wind and dance to its rhythm, all the while keeping up with my pivot

My core helps me remain upright as I graze the beauty of my surroundings

Day and night, the beauty of this city enlivens me, and its familiarity envelopes me in a blanket of warmth

Its fast-paced life and ambition inspire my roots to expand further and my leaves to reach out to greatness

I thrive…

When my roots got a sense of you, they became a lot less attached to their environment

My roots, my stems, my leaves…my core is ready to pick up and leave to an unknown world with you

To begin anew and set roots in a place that my flowers haven’t witnessed before, where they can’t get around with eyes closed

With you, my core is willing to sway and weaken only to be stronger as it reestablishes in unison with you

We thrive…

Foregone Demons

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Swords slashing my soul, tracing my arteries and the outline of my skin

I separate into pieces as the images burn holes in between my ribs and up my throat, out through my eye sockets

The weight of the world on my arms, like blocks of concrete that I carry across the globe

The words get stuck in my throat, mixed with the tears that form an overflowing reservoir inside me

My heart can’t handle the pressure, the rupture will be upon me if I take a wrong breath

I attempt to run away from it, but I remain in the loop… like looking into a mirror with another mirror right behind

Every day I love you more and every day it burns me more

I scrape away the demons but they latch on to me, the leftovers growing like tumors under my skin

Help me make them go away, I’m drowning in desperation

Goodbye

ALYAZYA

Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset Louvre, Abu Dhabi

You were a beautiful possibility.
You could’ve found a home in me,
but the hollowness behind your skin
revealed a dark and soulless stare.

I never wanted to escape reality when I was with you
but you lived in fantasies made of me
when the magic was right in front of you.

I bet you still dream of being held by me.
You were curious for a taste of a love you didn’t deserve,
and I’ve already fallen in love with loving you
before I came to my senses and cast you away.

But, what used to make me cry now makes me smile.
Thanks for teaching me how to love myself.
Thanks for showing me how meaningless your presence is.

I never wanted something that just looks good on paper.
I desire something your mind can never conceive.
“Look into my eyes and tell me love…

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What’s real? What’s not?

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All my attempts are in vain, it persists

As the waves sweep me off my feet, the salty water burns my throat, choking me

I see it coming but I can never suppress its blow, I can not run away

My soul whispers to my heart that it is approaching

My heart tries to tell me it is going to be okay

When the day comes, I wake up with an invisible force holding me down

Getting out of bed feeling like the floor will collapse underneath my feet

My soul sways from side to side and my brain loses consciousness

My outer shell takes on the day like it is any other

I am put together, they have no clue

The shield held over my reality is as strong as ever

Suffocation

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It burns me, pinches my insides and ties knots with my intestines

I feel the tightening in my throat

I clench my hands to the side of the chair and my entire body starts to swell

I stop myself from breathing to help block it out, to stop my heart from rupturing in the event of another movement

I can’t fathom the reality, I try to cancel it out: this must just be a figment of my imagination

My heart begins to pump faster, I take apart the skin on my thighs

The veins on my neck swell, my blood is gushing, I am overwhelmed, overpowered, unheard

It’s the most sensible thing to do, they say

I have to go, his blood runs in my veins

She needs a vacation, an escape from her own reality

I might regret it later, our time here is not infinite

They ask me to do it for her, for him, for them

But my absolute self-destruction is swept under the rug

If it is so right, why does it feel so wrong?