Every Little Thing

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I step out of the car, my toes sinking in the cool sand.

The breeze is on my skin, and the dunes are forming waves before me.

You come from behind and envelope me, you warm me, and you lift me up.

I look out into the distance, seeing nothing but the sand, miles ahead in a world of you and me.

I look into your eyes reflecting the moon, it’s more enticing than looking at it up in the sky.

The crackle of the fire you started in the background and the flames bouncing off your face make the vastness feel so small, so familiar.

No one else exists, no one else matters, time is flying but it’s at a complete standstill.

I curl my fingers with yours, they fill every crevice like they were made just for me, the invisible string between us tying into a knot.

Every little thing makes me feel more whole. I didn’t know I was searching or what I was looking for, but now it all makes sense.

A War in My Core

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The weight of the world and the strength of the world both crashing against my shoulders, a war waged in my core

The pangs of pain that crack my spine and the healing that helps me piece myself together, forcing the shattered pieces in and out of place even if not accurately.

Every new blow makes the existing cracks smaller, transforming my vitals into powder. The strength almost can’t catch up with the waves of excruciation, and I don’t know how much more is left in me that would help me rebuild.

Rebuilding creates new forms of me because I’m never really the same. The shattered pieces leave cautious reminders of pain that pulsate stronger or weaker depending on their mood, completely throwing me off guard and hooking me onto the lies of the pain’s suppression.

The cracks allow the water to sink my ship deeper, and I find myself looking up at the sun through the blur of the water, unable to break the surface tension.

Resettling Roots

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I’ve set my roots and let them grow deep into the core of the earth

My flowers bloom and turn to face the sun

My leaves outstretch from the stems that grow firmly from beneath

I sway with the wind and dance to its rhythm, all the while keeping up with my pivot

My core helps me remain upright as I graze the beauty of my surroundings

Day and night, the beauty of this city enlivens me, and its familiarity envelopes me in a blanket of warmth

Its fast-paced life and ambition inspire my roots to expand further and my leaves to reach out to greatness

I thrive…

When my roots got a sense of you, they became a lot less attached to their environment

My roots, my stems, my leaves…my core is ready to pick up and leave to an unknown world with you

To begin anew and set roots in a place that my flowers haven’t witnessed before, where they can’t get around with eyes closed

With you, my core is willing to sway and weaken only to be stronger as it reestablishes in unison with you

We thrive…

Foregone Demons

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Swords slashing my soul, tracing my arteries and the outline of my skin

I separate into pieces as the images burn holes in between my ribs and up my throat, out through my eye sockets

The weight of the world on my arms, like blocks of concrete that I carry across the globe

The words get stuck in my throat, mixed with the tears that form an overflowing reservoir inside me

My heart can’t handle the pressure, the rupture will be upon me if I take a wrong breath

I attempt to run away from it, but I remain in the loop… like looking into a mirror with another mirror right behind

Every day I love you more and every day it burns me more

I scrape away the demons but they latch on to me, the leftovers growing like tumors under my skin

Help me make them go away, I’m drowning in desperation

Goodbye

ALYAZYA

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You were a beautiful possibility.
You could’ve found a home in me,
but the hollowness behind your skin
revealed a dark and soulless stare.

I never wanted to escape reality when I was with you
but you lived in fantasies made of me
when the magic was right in front of you.

I bet you still dream of being held by me.
You were curious for a taste of a love you didn’t deserve,
and I’ve already fallen in love with loving you
before I came to my senses and cast you away.

But, what used to make me cry now makes me smile.
Thanks for teaching me how to love myself.
Thanks for showing me how meaningless your presence is.

I never wanted something that just looks good on paper.
I desire something your mind can never conceive.
“Look into my eyes and tell me love…

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What’s real? What’s not?

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All my attempts are in vain, it persists

As the waves sweep me off my feet, the salty water burns my throat, choking me

I see it coming but I can never suppress its blow, I can not run away

My soul whispers to my heart that it is approaching

My heart tries to tell me it is going to be okay

When the day comes, I wake up with an invisible force holding me down

Getting out of bed feeling like the floor will collapse underneath my feet

My soul sways from side to side and my brain loses consciousness

My outer shell takes on the day like it is any other

I am put together, they have no clue

The shield held over my reality is as strong as ever

Suffocation

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It burns me, pinches my insides and ties knots with my intestines

I feel the tightening in my throat

I clench my hands to the side of the chair and my entire body starts to swell

I stop myself from breathing to help block it out, to stop my heart from rupturing in the event of another movement

I can’t fathom the reality, I try to cancel it out: this must just be a figment of my imagination

My heart begins to pump faster, I take apart the skin on my thighs

The veins on my neck swell, my blood is gushing, I am overwhelmed, overpowered, unheard

It’s the most sensible thing to do, they say

I have to go, his blood runs in my veins

She needs a vacation, an escape from her own reality

I might regret it later, our time here is not infinite

They ask me to do it for her, for him, for them

But my absolute self-destruction is swept under the rug

If it is so right, why does it feel so wrong?

Going Around in Circles

IMG_5435I still search for you among the crowd

Every place I go to has your traces

My mind creates images of your silhouette as it would’ve been if I got there earlier

You’re always a few steps ahead, out of my reach

Or maybe behind? Conveniently, where I can’t see you

It’s an endless, useless circle

I’m tired of the flashbacks, the pangs that throw me back to the times I try not to think of

You’ll always be my tipping point, the emblem of my transitions

I catch glimpses of you in others

The heat radiates through my body, needles pierce my diaphragm

It’s always a close match, but it’s never right, it’s never you

Writers Block

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I wrote and I wrote.

I wrote so much that I couldn’t fall asleep from the thoughts of all the things I wanted to put down.

I awoke in the middle of the night, jotting down the words that seeped into my mind and out from my fingertips like butter greasing a cake pan.

I drifted away mid-conversation because my consciousness was creating a piece that I needed to put down before it escaped me.

One day it just stopped.

The keys feel unfamiliar now, the words forming in my mind come with interruptions, the signal has ruptured.

Words need to be torn out of me, they don’t flow anymore. The river within me has gone dry and the waterfall is a resolute cliff.

I lost touch with my senses.

I feel disconnected from myself.

Pieces of me have been scattered across different parts of the universe and there is no means for recollection.

Vinyl Shatters

You live in the moment, enjoy every new tune as it starts.

The moment is all that you’ve got, there’s no promise of tomorrow, and no point to sulk over what already passed.

But do you ever come across a feeling when you plead for the chance to erase those slivers of your past that you wish weren’t a part of you?

What if deleting them alters who you are?

It pains me to think of all the times I’ll have to recollect and look back to tell and frown upon my misconducts, not wanting to look truth in the face.

I’d love to bloom in your hands and show you every corner of me but some pieces are so dark and I’m afraid it’ll swallow you, destroy what we could’ve been.

Not all parts of me are pretty. Maybe you’ll decide to turn back and I don’t blame you, it’s as great as it gets and it’s all good at first glance.

I’m a rollercoaster ride and I don’t know how much of me are you willing to take.

Everyone says the same story, the same melody plays in different words, I’m too familiar with the tune.

But will your record break like all the ones before you?