Illusions

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Your words built the protective walls of our fortress stronger and taller. When your lips formed the sentences that painted our love you anchored your affection into my soul.

It grounded me, assured me. You took my breath away but I was breathing better. I was in an internal tug of war between euphoric collapse and absolute calmness because of the promising face of our future.

What I formed in my mind clouded my reality, painting over your shallow stance, your weak facade, and your empty claims. Your flame was the strongest when you saw me melt into a river taking course towards the sea.

You thought you were drawing me near, savoring what we had and sculpting me back into being yours. The flame and the sea don’t go together, my dear, we only move further apart in hopes of survival.

There were days when all I wanted was to hear you fill my disillusioned void with something to grasp onto. In your mind, we were being saved, but you forced us into a ravine. Now your silence is my favorite sound.

Your Fingers

IMG_3412Photo by Brandon Woelfel

My soul dances with the rhythm of your fingers on my skin
Your warmth envelopes me, cradles me like a child
You are safety

You enlighten me, awaken me, bring me back to life
I can breathe, it is a rebirth
I am sprouting

My hair rests on my cheek, waiting for your fingers to push it behind my ear
Your softness calms me, surfacing my inner peace
You are the clouds

You intertwine your fingers with mine, pulling me through unfamiliar pathways
I feel your poisoning courage breaking through my shell
I am blooming

My back straightens as your fingers trace the curve of my spine
Your touch empowers me, my eyes open wide
You are strength

It is your favorite lie…

Your fingers pushed me away when you thought they were drawing me closer, and now I am out of your reach

Goodbye

ALYAZYA

Processed with VSCO with hb2 preset Louvre, Abu Dhabi

You were a beautiful possibility.
You could’ve found a home in me,
but the hollowness behind your skin
revealed a dark and soulless stare.

I never wanted to escape reality when I was with you
but you lived in fantasies made of me
when the magic was right in front of you.

I bet you still dream of being held by me.
You were curious for a taste of a love you didn’t deserve,
and I’ve already fallen in love with loving you
before I came to my senses and cast you away.

But, what used to make me cry now makes me smile.
Thanks for teaching me how to love myself.
Thanks for showing me how meaningless your presence is.

I never wanted something that just looks good on paper.
I desire something your mind can never conceive.
“Look into my eyes and tell me love…

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What’s real? What’s not?

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All my attempts are in vain, it persists

As the waves sweep me off my feet, the salty water burns my throat, choking me

I see it coming but I can never suppress its blow, I can not run away

My soul whispers to my heart that it is approaching

My heart tries to tell me it is going to be okay

When the day comes, I wake up with an invisible force holding me down

Getting out of bed feeling like the floor will collapse underneath my feet

My soul sways from side to side and my brain loses consciousness

My outer shell takes on the day like it is any other

I am put together, they have no clue

The shield held over my reality is as strong as ever

Suffocation

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It burns me, pinches my insides and ties knots with my intestines

I feel the tightening in my throat

I clench my hands to the side of the chair and my entire body starts to swell

I stop myself from breathing to help block it out, to stop my heart from rupturing in the event of another movement

I can’t fathom the reality, I try to cancel it out: this must just be a figment of my imagination

My heart begins to pump faster, I take apart the skin on my thighs

The veins on my neck swell, my blood is gushing, I am overwhelmed, overpowered, unheard

It’s the most sensible thing to do, they say

I have to go, his blood runs in my veins

She needs a vacation, an escape from her own reality

I might regret it later, our time here is not infinite

They ask me to do it for her, for him, for them

But my absolute self-destruction is swept under the rug

If it is so right, why does it feel so wrong?

Going Around in Circles

IMG_5435I still search for you among the crowd

Every place I go to has your traces

My mind creates images of your silhouette as it would’ve been if I got there earlier

You’re always a few steps ahead, out of my reach

Or maybe behind? Conveniently, where I can’t see you

It’s an endless, useless circle

I’m tired of the flashbacks, the pangs that throw me back to the times I try not to think of

You’ll always be my tipping point, the emblem of my transitions

I catch glimpses of you in others

The heat radiates through my body, needles pierce my diaphragm

It’s always a close match, but it’s never right, it’s never you

Writers Block

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I wrote and I wrote.

I wrote so much that I couldn’t fall asleep from the thoughts of all the things I wanted to put down.

I awoke in the middle of the night, jotting down the words that seeped into my mind and out from my fingertips like butter greasing a cake pan.

I drifted away mid-conversation because my consciousness was creating a piece that I needed to put down before it escaped me.

One day it just stopped.

The keys feel unfamiliar now, the words forming in my mind come with interruptions, the signal has ruptured.

Words need to be torn out of me, they don’t flow anymore. The river within me has gone dry and the waterfall is a resolute cliff.

I lost touch with my senses.

I feel disconnected from myself.

Pieces of me have been scattered across different parts of the universe and there is no means for recollection.